Ok, well maybe not yet... it's been a busy "sabbatical" so far, but rest is on the way. I am home in Florida, enjoying my family and close friends. This August marks my seventh year serving with Central Indiana Teen Challenge, and my directors have been incredibly kind to allow me a month long sabbatical to refresh and refuel for what lies ahead. Thank you, Pastor Dave and Dawn Rose, for allowing me this time to remember that I am more than what I do. I'm blessed to be part of such a unique team, sharing community and life in some of the most intimate and profound ways. This is kingdom-living, and though at times I buck and resist it, I am incredibly thankful that God has led me down this "road less taken..."
As ministry leaders, we're not very good at rest. It's tough when you begin to feel that your worth hangs on the amount of impact of you're having. (How do you measure that anyway? Another blog, another day). I've grown up in ministry; I've lived the highs and lows - I've seen the beauty and the battery of surrendering your life fully to the cause of Christ. People can be painful. Even Christian people...maybe especially Christian people. I remember being 17 years old, after having my world shattered by people I thought were my friends - people I thought I could trust - that loved Jesus and loved my family, yet they hurt us in profound ways. I remember asking God, "If this is 'The Church,' then what's the point? Who wants any part of this?" I cried and banged my fists on the carpet floor of my teenage bedroom, and I will never forget the words the Holy Spirit spoke to me that day:
"Remember Jesus."
That's all it took to restore my faith in the Kingdom of God on earth... remembering Jesus. Remember Jesus, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and finished in love. "Remember Jesus, Tara. Remember Jesus." At 17, I laid on the floor, pounding the ground in grief over the state of the American Church, wanting nothing to do with her...until my young heart literally cried, "I am so sick of the American Church! ... But how can I leave her? I ache over her. I love her. Use me to restore her, Jesus." Whatever comes, I serve and I give and I love for Jesus. HE is the Author, the Writer, the Dreamer, Creator... HE is the Finisher, the Perfecter, the One who makes all of this complete, fulfilled. My job is not to be the Messiah, to save or fix any one - it is to remember Jesus. To love HIM, deeply, profoundly, entirely to the end. Everything else hangs on this.
Everything.
Today I'm reminded of that prayer from a broken 17 year old. I asked Jesus to let me work alongside Him in restoring the Kingdom of God on earth - in the Church even - and day by day, He's graced me with the trust to do just that, one life at a time. I never imagined it would look like this... living in rehab with wounded teenage girls. Girls that easily could tell me I have no right to speak to their pain, that I don't understand, and they'd be right. They'd be right, except that it is by grace that I, too, have been rescued by the inifinite love of Jesus. I, Tara, the least of these; I, Tara, the chief of sinners; I know the darkness of my heart, the sickness of my soul, that without the redeeming, purifying, fiery love of Jesus in my life, I, too, would be walking a road of darkness and loss.
Today I'm reminded that seven years ago, I asked God to plant me wherever I could profoundly impact individual lives. I literally asked Him to bless me with the ditch - to give me the gift of allowing me to walk through the mess of life with people who desperately needed to discover the truth about Him and about themselves. In junior high, I dreamed of preaching to stadiums. Today I dream of Rachel. I dream that she will finally let the walls collapse and Jesus be her gentle King. Today I dream of Jennifer. I dream that she her questions will be crucified to the cross of Christ, that His truth will chase away the doubt and the deception of the enemy of her soul. Today I dream of Megan. I dream that her nightmares will fade and she will wake to the voice of Jesus singing restoration. I dream that her heart will heal, that she will be graced to trust again, to believe and to hope again.
Today I'm reminded of that prayer from a broken 17 year old. I asked Jesus to let me work alongside Him in restoring the Kingdom of God on earth - in the Church even - and day by day, He's graced me with the trust to do just that, one life at a time. I never imagined it would look like this... living in rehab with wounded teenage girls. Girls that easily could tell me I have no right to speak to their pain, that I don't understand, and they'd be right. They'd be right, except that it is by grace that I, too, have been rescued by the inifinite love of Jesus. I, Tara, the least of these; I, Tara, the chief of sinners; I know the darkness of my heart, the sickness of my soul, that without the redeeming, purifying, fiery love of Jesus in my life, I, too, would be walking a road of darkness and loss.
Today I'm reminded that seven years ago, I asked God to plant me wherever I could profoundly impact individual lives. I literally asked Him to bless me with the ditch - to give me the gift of allowing me to walk through the mess of life with people who desperately needed to discover the truth about Him and about themselves. In junior high, I dreamed of preaching to stadiums. Today I dream of Rachel. I dream that she will finally let the walls collapse and Jesus be her gentle King. Today I dream of Jennifer. I dream that she her questions will be crucified to the cross of Christ, that His truth will chase away the doubt and the deception of the enemy of her soul. Today I dream of Megan. I dream that her nightmares will fade and she will wake to the voice of Jesus singing restoration. I dream that her heart will heal, that she will be graced to trust again, to believe and to hope again.
Today I dream of over 250 beautiful girls that I have had the humble privilege of living with, of walking through life with; today I dream that one day at a time, they will find themselves nearer to the love and truth of Jesus. Today I dream of a Church that makes love the priority of her life. Today I dream of a Church that remembers Jesus, and in remembering Him, remembers love...even unto the "least" of these.
So here I am, on sabbatical, supposed to be resting, and my thoughts are on my girls. My thoughts are on the goodness of God that has led me along a road less traveled. My thoughts are on a Church that is awakening, transforming from the inside-out, discovering the true image of God on this earth in love. This month I rest in the remembrance of Jesus; that at the end of all things He will not ask me questions about numbers or size - He will ask about love. The hope of my heart is that He will know I loved well. Grace me, Lord, to love and to keep loving like You.
For now... let's get some rest, You and I...
*names of students changed for privacy
