So Now I Know

He will literally risk crushing me in order to create me.

And I will let Him.

Because I love Him.

Surrender.

I currently have six unpublished blogs sitting in my draft bin.  Nothing feels worthy of sharing - odd, because what I'm writing is stuff I feel like I desperately need to talk about.  But every time I hit the point of publishing, I think, "Words, words, words..."  Ugh, words.  I'm full of words; too many.  I'm tired of words.  The quiet whisper beneath every thought is the same: Surrender.  

But I don't know how to surrender.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  I don't know what I'm doing right.  I don't know what in my life God would say is surrendered and what is un-surrendered.  I don't know what He wants from me.  

What do You want from me?

It's all out there, laid before You.  It's Yours.  I WANT You to take it.  

Like Jesus asking Peter, "Do you love Me?" I deeply, painfully, truly mean it when I keep telling You, "Lord, You know I do..."

You wake me up at night, and I whisper, "Here I am."  Then You say it again: "Surrender."

I sing it, I say it, I write it, I pray it... "Take my life, I lay it down... I'm letting go.  I'm giving all...  With everything, with everything..." and on and on and on and on and on... so why do I constantly feel like I am missing it?  Like I am always falling short?

Maybe "Surrender" doesn't look like an answer or a fulfilled promise.  Maybe I'm attaching strings to surrender that You keep cutting off.  Maybe surrender is not a bridge to something "better" - maybe it's the sweet point of this whole story.  

Maybe I need to calm down.  Maybe You say "Surrender," and I need to just breathe.  Just believe.  Just be.  Just be loved.  Just be held.  Just be kept.  Not because I get it or it's all settled, but because You just "ARE."

Maybe,

I am not what I do.

I am not who I have (or don't have) in my life.

I am not the sum of my wins.

I am not the total of my losses.

I am not my purpose.

I am not my influence.

I am not my story.

I am not my education.

I am not my job.

I am not my appearance.

I am not my relationships.

I am not my past, my present or my future.

I am Yours.

I am Yours.

I am Yours.

I am Yours.

I am Yours...

Surrender.