Beauty Remains

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains."

 - Pierre-Auguste Renoir

Tonight some of my fellow grad students and I started talking about stress and feeling overwhelmed, juggling school, work, family, church, recreation, etc.  Although I'm typically an open book, I have tried to maintain a certain level of discretion with my classmates so far, I guess in an attempt to maintain professionalism.  Instead, tonight I finally shared the struggles I was having with leaving TC, going to Africa and back, and diving into a whole new season of identity and purpose that are quite a distance from where I was just 2 months ago.  Being a student again is fulfilling, but it does not feel very rewarding; at least not right now.  I have glimpses of where I want to be, what I want to do ahead; yet even these things are unanswered and carry question marks and problems of their own, and the more I think it all through (which in my perfectionist mindset I do, CONSTANTLY), the more powerless I feel; the more I realize I don't have answers, I don't have solutions, I don't have the slightest clue where certain finances and resources are going to come from, and I have absolutely no idea how God is going to piece together all these things for His glory.

As I was sharing with my classmates tonight, these words slipped out of my mouth:

"It's like He just dumped all these beautiful things in my lap, and I want to build something with them.  He gave me these beautiful things, and then He told me not to touch them."

I hadn't really let myself "go there" yet, but this is really what I've been struggling with since coming home from Africa.  God is awakening beautiful things in my heart and spirit.  He's blessed with me people I love, people I long to be with - people I long to be with NOW.  These yearnings in my heart to do unique things for the Kingdom and with people, I want to do it NOW.  I want to learn, I want to do school, but I also desperately want to get past all of this and "back to my purpose."  

It's not like I've never heard or thought about or even championed the idea of "enjoying the journey."  Oh, I have.  But, truly in keeping with this season of risk and faith, God is really making me live this on a whole new level of personal experience.  It's easy to enjoy the journey when the journey is enjoyable.  But what about when the journey is full of roadblocks, detours, congested traffic, yellow lights and stop signs?  I just want the green light, but it's like every time I turn around, He's telling me to stop and fill my tank again.  I know in my head that this is good, but in my heart, I just want to go...

In this moment, God is speaking to me - vaguely, quietly - about those "beautiful things" He has landed in my lap.  He's telling me to stop focusing so much on building something with them, and instead, for now, just let myself be beautified by them.  In essence, He's whispering: "Don't touch them, Tara.  Let them touch you."  

I know I am gaining experience, skills and knowledge in this season that will be of immeasurable worth a year or two from now.  But right now, this beauty is pain.  It's painful paying for summer classes when I'd sooo much rather run off to Africa again (I literally think of the cost of courses in terms of flights to Africa).  It's painful not having solutions, answers or roadmaps to help me wrap my mind around what this is all going to look like two years from now.  It's painful working and going to school, working and going to school, working and going to school... then coming home to read textbooks all night, and... working and going to school, working and going to school...  It's fulfilling, I enjoy it, but it's painful.  It's painful because I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else, and God is asking me to be here today - be ALL here today.

Lord,

Be my grace today.  In this season I want to be beautified.  If You will not let me build right now, then will You do one thing for me?  Will You build me?  I want to run ahead of you and hurry this up, but You just love keeping that lamp at my feet - one step at a time.  I have a feeling it will always be this way; that no matter how much I accomplish, You are always going to be bringing me back to this same lesson, this lesson of being.  So grace me, not to learn it, but to live it.  To be it - to be the beauty of Your life in me, regardless of meaning or purpose in my own understanding.  I want to be like You, even in this - more like You, always more.  Help me to just hold these beautiful things and transform me as they soak into my very life.  "I need Thee, oh, I need Thee.  Every hour I need Thee..."

Lessons From Rehab #11: REMEMBER, HE'S WITH YOU

Do you ever just need a really good pep talk?  I do.  Sometimes I find myself trudging through life like the losing team, trailing behind at half-time.  I'm hiding in the locker room while my head hangs low, and what I really need more than anything is someone to give me one good locker room speech and whip me back into shape.  Well, guess what?  

Jesus is AWESOME at pep talks.

There are certain "go to" chapters and verses I've found in the Bible that speak life to me in ways that no one else ever could.  I find that when I read the words of Jesus, when I bring my own struggle into the midst of them, and I let HIM speak to ME - not just all of those "first hearers" - but ME... here, I find the greatest pep talks a girl could ever ask for.  Other people could try telling me the exact same thing, and I just don't hear it, but somehow when HE says it, there is power, there is life, and I believe it is true again.  I believe He is with me.  I believe I can do all things through Him.  I believe there is hope - there is always still hope.  

When HE says it, I believe it.

He's trustworthy.  He's "been there, done that."  He's been through immeasurable suffering, to the death, and come out alive.  And He can do the same in you.  

He hasn't left you alone.

He hasn't dropped you off on the curb.

He hasn't forgotten you in that locker room.

You are not abandoned.

Today, spend some time having a good pep talk from Jesus.  He knows what you need.  He knows where you are.  He knows where you're going.  If you don't know how or where to start, find a locker room of your own, an "alone space," and read through John 14-17.  Best pep talk from Jesus EVER.  

As you look to HIM today, remember...

"I am not abandoned."

"I will not leave you as orphans;

I will come to you."

- John 14:8

Lessons From Rehab #10: Don't Forget to Eat

There's a beautiful story found in Mark 5 - one of my favorites, actually.  A father named Jairus is scouring through crowds of people to find Jesus.  Jairus' daughter is dying, and He pleads with Jesus to come heal her.  Jesus leaves the crowd for this one little girl, but when He gets to her house, she has already died.  In the house, He finds a room full of mourners who laugh at Him when He tells them, "The girl is not dead, but asleep."  As the people laugh at Him, Jesus moves into the bedroom of this child, speaks to her, "Talitha koum," which is Aramaic, meaning, "Little girl, I say to you, arise."  The girl immediately comes back to life, and everyone is filled with great joy.  

It's an awe-inspiring story.

Unfortunately when reading the Bible, though, we tend to stop short at "awe-inspiring."  We love the miracles, the goosebumps, the "everyone was astonished" moments.  But one of the best parts of this story comes after the Jesus-whisper of "Talitha koum..."  After the miracle and the goosebumps, Mark wraps up chapter 5 by making sure to record that after all these awe-inspiring things, Jesus "told them to get her something to eat," (v. 43).  

And then He told them to get her something to eat...

Apparently Jesus didn't want to have to come back next week and raise this girl from the dead again because she starved to death.  He knew that if she was going to come back to life and stay alive, she had to eat.  She had to do practical things to take care of the miracle she'd been given.  She had to remember to eat.

Like this little girl, maybe you have a deathbed or two in your life, as well.  Maybe you have risen, or attempted to rise, on occasion before.  Whatever you are rising up to today, don't forget to eat.  "Eating" may signify taking care of yourself physically - things that restore you and refresh you, like food, rest or recreation.  It may signify practical steps you need to take in order to follow through with good things in your life.  Maybe "eating" refers to eating of God's Word, the Bread of Life; living on His presence and truth in daily life.  

Two nights ago, I laid in bed with my Bible on my lap, feeling powerless and overwhelmed.  I'm working incredibly hard to learn and grow in new ways, so hard, in fact, that I barely notice I am putting way too much trust in myself and not nearly enough trust in the Lord.  As I opened up to where I left off in 2 Chronicles 26, I read about a king named Uzziah, and two statements hit me like a slap in the face.  It read:

"...As long as he sought the Lord, God made him prosper... But when he was strong, he grew proud, to his destruction.  For he was unfaithful to the Lord his God." (vv. 5, 16)

Today I am painfully overwhelmed... like, breaking-point overwhelmed.  I have so many questions that God isn't answering.  I have major decisions to make with no clear sign of what is the right thing to do, the wise thing, the God thing.  I don't know.  The only answer I have is "I don't know."  I have risen to some extreme challenges, to new life, this year, and now that it's here, I don't know what to do.  And as I read these verses tonight, I'm reminded:

Don't forget to eat.

When I am feeling overwhelmed, confused and out of control, a typical common denominator is that I am somehow leaving God out of the equation, or at least out of the process.  I'm not including Him, not seeking Him, not pursuing Him like my life depends on it.  And the truth is that my life does depend on it.  I need Him.  I NEED Him.  Oh, I need Him.

My own challenge this week is "don't forget to eat."  I've made a lot of things high priorities in this new year so far - studying, reading textbooks, getting projects done, going to class, going to work (all 3 jobs), working out, going to church, squeezing in time for family and friends if I can find a spare minute (it's really not supposed to be this way).  And in the midst of it all, devotion to Jesus has been an after-thought.  He's in my heart, my mind, my spirit, I carry Him with me always... but I have not sought Him.  He has been squeezed into bits and pieces of my day.  

I am nibbling when I should be feasting;

        When my life depends on it.

Life depends on it.  Life itself depends on the priority of Christ over every other thing.  So I suppose tonight I am just sharing with you a challenge that is very much my own... don't forget to eat.  Eat of Him, eat of His Word, eat of His presence.  Feed on the life and truth of God regularly.  You - and I - cannot survive without Him.  

So today, whatever that means for you - whether practically, physically, emotionally, socially or spiritually, don't forget to eat.  

Life depends on it.

"And as long as he sought the LORD, God made him prosper."

Lessons From Rehab #9: Be a Victor, Not a Victim

Watch Me First: Just a Flesh Wound (Youtube Clip)

*Warning: Though incredibly corny, this clip displays images of blood and gore... very, very corny blood and gore.

I LOVE the spirit of the Black Knight.  Though his arms and legs are hacked off, he continues to hobble around like a stump on the ground, refusing to give in and refusing to give up.  He loses an arm and, "'tis a scratch."  Another arm and it's, "just a flesh wound."  He has valid reasons to quit; valid reasons to say he "can't" go on any further.  Valid reasons to say that someone else hurt him so he couldn't do any better.  

But this is not the heart of our knight.  

Just a flesh wound...

We can all think of times in life when we've felt victimized.  In some cases, we really are being victimized.  In others, perhaps it is our own perspective of the problem that leads us to believe we are victims of something that is bigger than us, that we are incapable of overcoming.  Whether literally a victim or simply a victim of perspective, the harsh reality is that victim mentality sucks.  It sucks the life out of you.  It sucks vision out of you.  It sucks fight and faith out of your heart and soul.  It sucks.

If you are reading today, and you know what it feels like to be a victim, consider whether you are giving the oppressor more power than he/she/it/whatever deserves.  What does it look like to acknowledge that you have been victimized yet refuse to "play the victim"?  Consider this:

You were hurt.

It happened.

It mattered.

You matter.

It wasn't ok.

It's still not ok.

In fact, it sucks.

It may even be sucking the life out of you.

Is it?

Is it time?...

Is it time to pull that sucker off?

Is it time to let go?

Is it time to move on?

If you do,

You will still have been hurt.

It will still have happened.

It will still have mattered.

YOU will still matter.

And why?

Because...

YOU are MORE than your WOUNDS.

You are more than your wounds.  Your wounds are not the boss of you (unless you let them be).  Your oppressors are not the boss of you (unless you let them be).  You may have been victimized, but you do not have to be a victim.  You do not have to be the victim of your circumstances, your experiences, your sufferings or your relationships.  

Take ownership today.  Take ownership of your life - your choices, your responses, your character, your future, your present, your today, YOU.  Take ownership of you.  You cannot control who others are or what they will do.  But you can control you.  You CAN.  With God's help, by His grace, you can.  

Today, when you feel like falling back into the mentality of a victim, choose instead to be a victor.  If you have to hobble your way through life, beaten and bullied like our bloody Black Knight, laugh in the face of your enemy and embrace the spirit that rises above.

Just a flesh wound...

"The Lord is on my side; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?

The Lord is with me; He is my Helper.

I will look in triumph on my enemies...

The Lord is my Strength and my Defense

And has become my Salvation.

I will not die, but live,

And will tell what the Lord has done."

- Psalm 118:6-7,14, 17

Lessons From Rehab #8: DON'T PRETEND; INSTEAD, PRESENT

What was the first question God ever asked in the Bible?

"Where are you?"*

When Adam and Eve had sinned, or failed, their initial reaction was to go into hiding.  BUT GOD... God set out to look for them, to find them and to make a way to redeem them.  In their hiding, God called out, "Where are you?"  He did not harshly grouch, "Adam!  Where are you supposed to be?"  He simply asked:

"Where are you?"

In essence, God, who sees and knows all, was asking Adam to allow himself to be found.  God would not impose His presence, help, grace or even salvation on Adam.  God was ready and willing to meet Adam in the middle of his failure, right where he was at, but Adam had to present himself first in order to be found.

When we struggle, we too often go into hiding.  We may literally, physically hide ourselves from others (not going out anymore, not returning calls, stop going to church, etc.), or we might also tend to hide ourselves beneath various facades of our own making.  We learn to mask, to perform; we learn to pretend.  

Pretend I don't hurt.

Pretend I don't struggle.

Pretend I believe, when really I'm barely holding onto my faith.

Pretend I agree.

Pretend I'm fine.

Pretend I'm not slipping.

Pretend,

Pretend,

Pretend.

What God revealed in Genesis 3 is that He has no interest in performances or pretense.  He has an interest in people, and He wants to know you as you are, not as you should be.  Today, if you are struggling to live up to all you feel like are you "supposed to be," if you are hiding or pretending in some way, hear the gentle voice of the Father whispering your name and asking, "Where are you?"

Come as you are; 

PRESENT, don't pretend.    

He'll meet you there,

So let yourself be found.

*Genesis 3:9

Lessons From Rehab #7: MAKE PEACE WITH THE PROCESS

"Oh my gosh, I can't do this!!  It's just too much!"  So I thought as I perused my mounds of assignments, reading, work, commitments and personal goals for... nope, not this year... for this week.  I couldn't even bring myself to look beyond this week on my calendar, because this week's work alone felt like a tidal wave of papers, appointments, papers, appointments, papers, appointments... and I JUST got started.  This is only the beginning of a whole fresh season of school, new work and personal growth.  I keep finding myself at these bottom-of-the-barrel moments where I'm feeling really, really low and really, really weak, and all I'm pouting is, "Oh my gosh, I can't do this."

Just a few days ago, I championed the phrase: "You CAN and you WILL."  Do I still believe this?  Sure, I still believe this.  (Can you feel the enthusiasm?)  But I do - yeah, I do.  I still believe this.  Yes, I can, and yes, I will.  The "Oh my gosh, I can'ts" kick in when I go past thinking can and will to... how?

HOW am I going to do all of this?  HOW am I going to get 14 chapters of textbook reading accomplished in one week, combined with two papers, commitments, a job, and oh yeah - there's that little matter of personal care.  When am I going to have time to take a shower?!  Ok, I might be overreacting (but seriously...it's cutting close).  

Tonight, I finished reading a textbook chapter (that took me FOR-EVERRRR), took a deep breath and appreciated a little reminder from childhood: "Little by little; inch by inch, it's a cinch."  I'm not exactly sold yet on the "cinch" part, but, (sigh... breathe...) there is truth to this.  

So here I am staring at this mound of goals, dreams and "To-Do's," and I'm reminded to make peace with the process.  Yes, I can, and yes, I will accomplish these things... in due season.  I will not graduate tonight after reading this stinking long chapter.  One project down, and another up next - it's true.  But one thing at a time; one day at a time, one step at a time, the mound becomes a lot less intimidating when I learn to take it in moments.  

Honestly?  I'm not really feeling this right now.  Right now I still feel the "Oh my gosh, I can't do this" (like, it's literally, physically not possible), but in reality, I can and I will, and how?  By taking one thing at a time, one day at a time, one step, one moment at a time.  In time, I will reach the end result, and in the meantime, I will grow in strength and character along the way - IF I make peace with the process.

MAKE PEACE WITH THE PROCESS.

God affirms this principle all over Scripture, but two of my favorite spots for this are found in the Old Testament when the people of Israel are leaving their slavery in Egypt and moving toward their Promised Land.  They had a dream: a land flowing with milk and honey.  A place of rest and enjoyment for all their years of hard work.  But it doesn't come when they thought or how they thought it would come.  Instead, God tells them:

"I will not drive them out before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the wild beasts multiply against you.  Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased and possessed the land." (Exodus 23:29)

And again several years later...

"The Lord your God will clear away these nations before you little by little.  You may not make an end of them at once, lest the wild beasts grow too numerous for you."  (Deuteronomy 7:22)

"Little by little."  There is wisdom in this.  There is grace in this.  There is protection and purpose in this. In the meantime of the process, it is possible that you grow into the sort of person that can contain the blessing ahead without being destroyed by it... little by little.  

Today, if you're struggling to make it to February (heck, if you're struggling to make it to tomorrow), be where you are, fully present, today.  Give yourself entirely to the right thing at the right time, and little by little you'll get there - you'll get to the Promised Land - to your goal, your dream, your reward - you'll get there.  Make peace with the process today, and don't forget to enjoy the ride.  

Lessons From Rehab #6: MAKE FAILURE YOUR FRIEND

Today, learn the art of resilience.  When you fall, when you fail, get back up and try again.  

Alfred: "Why do we fall, sir?" 

Batman: "To learn to get back up again."

    

                                        (Batman Begins)

"Do not fear mistakes.  You will fail.  Continue to reach out." 

- Benjamin Franklin

"Success is not final; failure is not fatal.  It is the courage to continue that counts." 

- Winston Churchill

"If the Lord had not been my help, 
my soul would have soon lived in the land of silence.  

When I thought, 'My foot slips,' Your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.  

When the cares of my heart are many, Your consolations cheer my soul."

 (Psalm 94:17-19)