His and Hers

I haven't written for about 6 weeks.  Somewhat intentional, somewhat unintentional, I've steered away from the public writing scene for a bit.  As I'm heading off to Africa next week, I'm certain there will be increased frequent writings and ramblings again, processing thoughts and experiences and sharing them with you.  But a while back, I sat down to write some things that were on my heart, and I felt the Lord whisper:

Tara, sometimes I want to talk to you just to talk to you, not so you can tweet about it. 

I reluctantly put my screen down, leaned back and thought for a moment.  

"I'm sorry," I whispered.  "Talk to me."

He's right.  In so many ways, I have allowed our conversations and experiences together to become material to share with others.  I know He's not asking me to never write or never share, but He's leaning up against me and nudging: 

Don't forget: I want you for you.  Not for the good you do or the significance you seek.  I like you, Tara.  And I want you for you.

So we've been quiet for a while.  Sometimes it's like that fire Jeremiah talked about - shut up in my bones.  Hard to contain.  I want to tell someone about it.  I want to get in long talks with a human being about the mysteries, beauties and complexities of this God I so love.  But sometimes I let those human beings take His place, and I end up talking way more about Him than I do to Him.  

I need to... I WANT to... talk to Him more.

I like singing in church.  I love leading worship anywhere, anytime.  But it is absolutely my favorite to sing when no one is listening but Jesus.  There are things that should get to be just His sometimes.  Things that we do because just HE will see us, just HE will hear us, just HE will know who we are and what we have done and how we have loved.

As I finish reading a Thomas Merton classic this week, I'm challenged by the idea of spiritual privacy. I champion the cause for authenticity and vulnerability in the Church (and society in general).  But in some ways, that leaning toward authenticity has moved me to think I should share pretty much anything and everything with everyone, all in the name of authenticity and vulnerability and joining in the grand conversation of the human race.  But maybe in that tension between authenticity and hypocrisy, there is a sweet value to be found in spiritual privacy - in allowing some things in our lives to belong to just Jesus:  

Things we say only to Him.  

Glances we give only to Him.  

Smiles that are "our smile."  

Thoughts and movements of our hearts and souls that we do not have to share with everyone else in order to be affirmed or applauded, but that we let just be... 

Just be His.

So today I am living in the "I am my Beloved's and He is mine."  I'm staying alert to those moments that clearly read: "His and Hers."  Sometimes I'll share them, and sometimes I won't.  I hope you will do the same.

Now... to be His.

*If you are wondering, yes, I realize the irony of writing a blog about spiritual privacy all the while sharing private spiritual moments :)