Beauty Remains

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains."

 - Pierre-Auguste Renoir

Tonight some of my fellow grad students and I started talking about stress and feeling overwhelmed, juggling school, work, family, church, recreation, etc.  Although I'm typically an open book, I have tried to maintain a certain level of discretion with my classmates so far, I guess in an attempt to maintain professionalism.  Instead, tonight I finally shared the struggles I was having with leaving TC, going to Africa and back, and diving into a whole new season of identity and purpose that are quite a distance from where I was just 2 months ago.  Being a student again is fulfilling, but it does not feel very rewarding; at least not right now.  I have glimpses of where I want to be, what I want to do ahead; yet even these things are unanswered and carry question marks and problems of their own, and the more I think it all through (which in my perfectionist mindset I do, CONSTANTLY), the more powerless I feel; the more I realize I don't have answers, I don't have solutions, I don't have the slightest clue where certain finances and resources are going to come from, and I have absolutely no idea how God is going to piece together all these things for His glory.

As I was sharing with my classmates tonight, these words slipped out of my mouth:

"It's like He just dumped all these beautiful things in my lap, and I want to build something with them.  He gave me these beautiful things, and then He told me not to touch them."

I hadn't really let myself "go there" yet, but this is really what I've been struggling with since coming home from Africa.  God is awakening beautiful things in my heart and spirit.  He's blessed with me people I love, people I long to be with - people I long to be with NOW.  These yearnings in my heart to do unique things for the Kingdom and with people, I want to do it NOW.  I want to learn, I want to do school, but I also desperately want to get past all of this and "back to my purpose."  

It's not like I've never heard or thought about or even championed the idea of "enjoying the journey."  Oh, I have.  But, truly in keeping with this season of risk and faith, God is really making me live this on a whole new level of personal experience.  It's easy to enjoy the journey when the journey is enjoyable.  But what about when the journey is full of roadblocks, detours, congested traffic, yellow lights and stop signs?  I just want the green light, but it's like every time I turn around, He's telling me to stop and fill my tank again.  I know in my head that this is good, but in my heart, I just want to go...

In this moment, God is speaking to me - vaguely, quietly - about those "beautiful things" He has landed in my lap.  He's telling me to stop focusing so much on building something with them, and instead, for now, just let myself be beautified by them.  In essence, He's whispering: "Don't touch them, Tara.  Let them touch you."  

I know I am gaining experience, skills and knowledge in this season that will be of immeasurable worth a year or two from now.  But right now, this beauty is pain.  It's painful paying for summer classes when I'd sooo much rather run off to Africa again (I literally think of the cost of courses in terms of flights to Africa).  It's painful not having solutions, answers or roadmaps to help me wrap my mind around what this is all going to look like two years from now.  It's painful working and going to school, working and going to school, working and going to school... then coming home to read textbooks all night, and... working and going to school, working and going to school...  It's fulfilling, I enjoy it, but it's painful.  It's painful because I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else, and God is asking me to be here today - be ALL here today.

Lord,

Be my grace today.  In this season I want to be beautified.  If You will not let me build right now, then will You do one thing for me?  Will You build me?  I want to run ahead of you and hurry this up, but You just love keeping that lamp at my feet - one step at a time.  I have a feeling it will always be this way; that no matter how much I accomplish, You are always going to be bringing me back to this same lesson, this lesson of being.  So grace me, not to learn it, but to live it.  To be it - to be the beauty of Your life in me, regardless of meaning or purpose in my own understanding.  I want to be like You, even in this - more like You, always more.  Help me to just hold these beautiful things and transform me as they soak into my very life.  "I need Thee, oh, I need Thee.  Every hour I need Thee..."