The Day I Lost a Student

For the past seven years, I have dreaded the day I might find out one of my students overdosed.  But the dreaded day has arrived.  It did not have to; it crept, deceitfully, upon a young girl who should not be gone from us today.

I spent the earlier portion of this day talking with five classes of middle school students about issues like addiction, self-harm and eating disorders.  It was a beautiful, redemptive day.  We talked openly about pain, loneliness, and the desire within all of us to know that we matter, we belong.  I left each of those classes telling them, "If you are struggling, ask for help.  You are not alone."  

Then I came home to find out that one of my former students died yesterday of an apparent overdose.

Now I sit here wondering, again, if any of this even matters at all.  Is anyone even listening?  Does anyone really care?  Are we frantically pumping at hearts that simply do not want to live?

I don't think so.

I still believe that, although people hurt, they want to heal.  Although people fight, they want to be heard.  Although people run away, close the door and reject help - they want to be loved.  I tell my girls all of the time that I wish there was a switch I could flip in their hearts to 'make' them care.  But there's not.  I can't 'make' life happen for anyone.  I can't make love come alive.  I can't make someone want to change.  

But I can love.

I can listen.

I can be present.

I can see you.

I can remind you - over and over and over again - that you matter, and there is more than this.  

I can tell you that God loves you, relentlessly and compassionately - that He is still with you.  

He loves you, as you are, not as you should be.

Today I'm grieving.  I'm discouraged and saddened.  I'm praying for grace and comfort for a grieving family that has lost their beautiful daughter and friend.  

Today I'm still believing.  I'm still believing that it is worth it to try.  It is worth it to love.  It is worth it to speak up.  It is worth it to get involved, instead of ignore or avoid issues that make us feel uncomfortable.    It is worth it to keep believing the best in others, "right up to the end."

Today, if you are struggling, ask for help.  You are not alone.

E... We love you.  

I am very sad that you are no longer with us.  

I am thankful for the year of life we shared, laughing, crying and growing together.  

You were a lovely girl, inside and out, and you will be greatly missed.