This Is Why I Don't Write Music

I have never in my life been more fully aware of the foul state of my own soul.  The ugly, dark, hateful wreak of sin would taint my every thought, my every desire, my every motive if I would be so inclined, and unfortunately... I am very often, so very often, "so inclined."  

God help me:  "I am poor and needy, yet He thinks of me."  

If I will ever be able to write music (here now, I'd say, doubtful), such songs will never be written - they will be wrung - wrung from my spirit like a rag twisted dry.  They will be drawn out of me, dripping one cry after another from a broken soul, pleading, "Redeem!"

This is why I don't write music.  

I love...LOVE...worship.  I love singing worship songs, I love leading worship, I love humming to God's heart through music and lyrics.  But when I sit down to write,  I find myself scribbling things like, "God help me, sometimes I feel like I hate You.  Forgive me.  Please don't leave..."  

Try singing that on a Sunday morning.

I might have to accept that I will just never be a songwriter.  The songs of my soul can be gruesome, and they probably wouldn't go over so well with the happy crowds.  

But...

But God...

What is it about Him that makes me still want to sing even when I have no song?  How am I constantly humming because of Him when I have no tune?  How do I find Him smiling when I'm hurling questions like, "Are You even here at all?"  

After all of this, how do I hear Him still singing back: "I love you, too."  

Oh this restless love, unbearable grace.  If I could hide my heart from You, I'd run.  But You see each secret, hidden space.  You hear my whimpers of dying faith.  You wait - You patiently, patiently wait.  I'm not alone.  You're here...  

Still here...

You embarrass me with mercy, but I'm not too proud to take it.  My head hangs low; I can't look, only reach - You lift me til we're eye-to-eye.  I see...

I'm letting You be You, even though I'm still me.  Don't stop loving me.  I need You to keep loving me.  I want to love You, too.  More than me, I want to love just You.  Humiliated by compassion, this shame gets lost in Light.  Your unrelenting presence, my Faithful Love, tonight...

Good night & love, sweet Savior of mine...