When you have a brother they like to call "Batman," it's safe to say the bonding moments can be quite interesting. The first time G took me to the shooting range, I was so excited. We spent big-brother / little-sister quality time looking over his guns, buying bullets and learning proper handling. I might have also played around in his riot gear in the basement, but...that's another story for another day.
My brother is an experienced, special unit police officer, so he made sure I clearly understood how to safely fire his 9mm before entrusting it into my hands. When I was finally standing ready to aim and fire, he told me something incredibly important: "Get your eye on the target, then let it blur into the background. Keep your eye on the end of the gun, then fire."
There is no way I'm going to use the right terminology describing this, so let me just go ahead and embrace my femininity for a sec: So there's this tick-thingy at the end of the gun (the barrel?), like a little piece of metal that sticks up. G taught me that in order to get the most accurate shot, I shouldn't focus too much on the target, but instead on that tick-thingy, with the target blurred behind.
I'm going to brag for a minute and let you know that the owner of the shop was so impressed with my accuracy, he couldn't believe this was my first time shooting. I really couldn't take much credit, though. It wasn't that I had a stealth eye or superhuman skills with the 9. It was that I had a really good teacher who taught me how to focus well on the weapon in my hand, not just the target before my eyes.
So often I find myself missing targets in life because I am overly obsessing about whether or not I will hit them just right. I get caught up in precision and perfection, instead of focusing on what is in my hand. Over this past year, God has been provoking me to pull the trigger on some matters of surrender in my life, but I keep holding back because I'm afraid I'll miss the target.
It wasn't until I was the one holding a gun in my own hand that I realized the hardest part of shooting: pulling the trigger. It's really not that difficult to stand ready or to aim. In those moments I feel a little Lara Croft / Agent Salt adrenaline burst, and I'm ready to fire. But then I begin to pull the trigger, and I find that I'm met with resistance and lots of it. There's a reason they make it difficult to pull the trigger: it shouldn't be an impulsive, rash decision. It takes thought, effort and intentionality to follow through to the final "fire."
The last few months I have felt like that little sister, standing ready with my weapon in hand to take aim and fire, but I've been frozen in fear. Frozen in the fear that I will miss the mark, that I won't hit the target just right, and no one will rush in to praise my perfect precision. Then I remember that I'm entirely missing the point. The truth is, IF I ever hit the target right on, it is never a result of my own good effort, but the result of a Good Teacher, who has placed something special in my hands and taught me how to wield it well. Like my big brother whispering over my shoulder, I hear the Spirit say: "Tara, let the target fade into the background - focus on what is in your hand."
Though trembling in vulnerability, uncertainty and surrender, I am learning to stop staring down a bullet-less target while I hold capable weapons in hand. I am learning to trust what God has given me, how He has taught me and prepared me, and more than anything, that He is with me - to lead, to train, to enable, to accomplish so much more than I could ever do on my own. So, though resistance is certain, I am pulling the trigger. It is nearly impossible to describe to many others exactly what that is going to look like; it is even more impossible to explain the Who-What-Where-When-and-How's of this moment, but I know one thing for sure: I can tell you the "Why."
The "Why" is because I believe in the God who redeems.
I believe in the God who can literally take the worst of things and create good out of it.
I believe in the God who loves to pull the trigger on things like restoration, love and hope.
I believe that no one should have to suffer alone.
I believe that Jesus is present in places of peace and places of pain,
And I believe that He is able to make all things beautiful in His time - ALL things.
So as we advance together in this "Why," I have to admit, I'm feeling a little trigger happy. I really have no idea what God is up to in this life of mine, but I'm finding that lately, He likes it that way. I have a Good Teacher; He is with me and even if "none go with me, still I will follow." I'm taking my eye off the "perfect target," and spending my energy instead on what is in my hand. I'm doing what I can, not what I cannot. I am embracing who He made me to be, on purpose, for His purpose... and somehow, that trigger doesn't seem quite so resistant anymore.
Ready. Aim. FIRE...
No comments:
Post a Comment